6/20/2007
Overwhelmed really. I cannot explain it, but of course in my own way I will try. A great sense of life and death has overcome me.
I see her and touch her brittle skin. I hold her hand, it is soft, but stiff at the same time as the bones pertrude. Any fat padding that was there in her younger years has been taken away with time. She then reaches out and wraps her arms around my neck; I reach out and embrace what is left of my Great Grandmother at 103 years old.
I laid last night in Bed. I can sense that my mother is beginning to sleep as we are sharing our sleeping arrangements in the guest bedroom of my Grandfather's home. A beautiful Swedish log cabin with large portions cut and removed for the placement of large angled windows so you can see the lake where were my granfather will catch our supper.
I have that feeling in my chest where you feel like someone is sitting right on your sternum. As you take a breath in; it is slow, drawn in, deep, but seems not to satisfy the need for oxygen. At the same time my throat feels like it is about to cave in. If I had tonsils they would be joining together to inhibit any relief of what one complete breath will bring. As I exhale, quietly, I feel like screaming, as loud as I can. Instead one small tear releases and makes it way down to my pillow. I am careful to be quiet, as much as I can, as the many more tears seem to follow, my nose instantly become filled with snot, thus worsening my ability to breath at all. I am quiet, because I do not want to worry my mother any more than what she has had to in the past year for me. I would call each night, crying every day for months as I sat in the bath for hours a night, naked, stripped, laterally and emotionally. Knowing her, I am sure she has cried enough tears for all the sadness and happiness in the world; but being strong for me, she never let me see one tear, because of me. I am staying strong for her now.
Overwhelmed really. I cannot explain it, but of course in my own way I will try. A great sense of life and death has overcome me.
I see her and touch her brittle skin. I hold her hand, it is soft, but stiff at the same time as the bones pertrude. Any fat padding that was there in her younger years has been taken away with time. She then reaches out and wraps her arms around my neck; I reach out and embrace what is left of my Great Grandmother at 103 years old.
She says quietly in her Scottish accent, “I love you Katie”. She then remembers, with all clarity to ask me how my Doctorate degree is coming along; she use to ask me about my ex-husband but they told her, and she can remember he is no longer part of the family anymore. Amazing really, I think to myself what strong will she must have to keep her mind, her memory, but her body is not as stubborn as her wit. I take off her floppy hat to expose her face so I can see my grandmother maybe for the last time. I have had this moment for years and years, a sense that I must absorb as much as I can because you never know if she will be there for her next birthday, a 104th birthday. I can tell the strokes have left their mark on the left side of her face, I know in my heart that this will be the last time I will see her. I have a feeling of deep loss, but then a comfort that this is part of life, natural, normal, and beautiful.
I felt this again this day, but different and just or even more confusing. I had a feeling of great loss, but then a small feeling of happiness, a hint of something beautiful; a baby did all this. Not my baby, I have no children, but the son that was born to my ex-husband, a child that was conceived while he was still my husband, and at the same time he was telling me he loved me. A child that was conceived with another woman the same time he would look me in the eyes and tell me he could see the face of our children with my green eyes and smile. I do not know what color eyes this child has, or if he has red hair like his father. He has the child that he always wanted, a son, that he even swares to this day that he wishes I was the mother. A son that I would not give him until I was done with school, or things felt right, when things were different. This day never came for us. Now I am grateful, because I know a child would have not stopped him from doing what he did with another. The breaking of a promise.
He let me know of his son, this night, through a simple email. Telling me he was confused. All I said, all I felt is that I wanted him to move on, he had a family now. Let him know that I had forgiven him and that he must forgive himself. Something I do not think he will ever be able to do. A man that is never content, always wanting more, the next best thing, never happy. I hope this child changes him… because it has changed me, and I think made me a little better.
So the sense of life and death can be a little overwhelming in one day. I fall asleep eventually to only awake with the same feeling. Maybe this will fade.
Amore, Katelyn
I felt this again this day, but different and just or even more confusing. I had a feeling of great loss, but then a small feeling of happiness, a hint of something beautiful; a baby did all this. Not my baby, I have no children, but the son that was born to my ex-husband, a child that was conceived while he was still my husband, and at the same time he was telling me he loved me. A child that was conceived with another woman the same time he would look me in the eyes and tell me he could see the face of our children with my green eyes and smile. I do not know what color eyes this child has, or if he has red hair like his father. He has the child that he always wanted, a son, that he even swares to this day that he wishes I was the mother. A son that I would not give him until I was done with school, or things felt right, when things were different. This day never came for us. Now I am grateful, because I know a child would have not stopped him from doing what he did with another. The breaking of a promise.
He let me know of his son, this night, through a simple email. Telling me he was confused. All I said, all I felt is that I wanted him to move on, he had a family now. Let him know that I had forgiven him and that he must forgive himself. Something I do not think he will ever be able to do. A man that is never content, always wanting more, the next best thing, never happy. I hope this child changes him… because it has changed me, and I think made me a little better.
So the sense of life and death can be a little overwhelming in one day. I fall asleep eventually to only awake with the same feeling. Maybe this will fade.
Amore, Katelyn
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