Blue. No, a blue gray with light flicks of white that appears to give this wintering tree trunk more character than the other dozens that are scattered through the valley. They really do look different than I remember thinking them to be. Many almost taking character of human form, others form layered geometric patterns as you gaze pass towards the horizon that can now only be seen because the leaves are just starting to bud. Not one cloud in the sky and the richness of the blue is a color that I would want to bottle and replicate inside on walls if I ever decide to own a home again. I actually decide to take my ear phones out of my ears and begin to listen. To actually listen. The hum of my Chris king hubs are only heard when I decide not to peddle. Leaves crunch beneath my wheels and squirrels become spooked by a girl flying down single track that winds up and down raccoon mountain in Chattanooga Tennessee……
This is as far as I got with this one,…. For the past couple months, all effort has been towards preparing for my comprehensive examinations and working. (My BLOGS have moved to the bottom of the priority of life)Three weeks ago, I received my questions that will require sixty pages of type to determine if 11 years of University can come together in a comprehensive form to 1) prove I know what I am “talking about” and 2) make me earn the letters P-H-D; for the second try around…….
Up until receiving my comprehensive examination questions three weeks ago; I was taking the time to live a balanced life that I have began to briefly mention in my writings. All this- every day- 6 days a week. Six hours of work- two hours of school-one hour of practicing Spanish- time for friends and family
Up until receiving my comprehensive examination questions three weeks ago; I was taking the time to live a balanced life that I have began to briefly mention in my writings. All this- every day- 6 days a week. Six hours of work- two hours of school-one hour of practicing Spanish- time for friends and family
(Mom took this of me at our pottery class- (see the I-Pod I am learning spanish)
and lastly ...feeding my spiritual side, and finding a balanced amount of exercise.
(NOT ON MY BICYCLE..FOR ONCE)The last day of the week -a free day, to do what I feel. My new balance, up to this point, has also consisted of listening and learning about my BEING. Funny concept when I write it, but remembering to respond and not react; learning to really know when I am hungry, thirsty, tired; and place why I feel happy or sad. I guess I have been living thoughtfully. I have realized in this time of living thoughtfully, that living without old thought is just as important. Buddha says (I am paraphrasing here) that you cannot see yourself in moving water, but only in still water can you truly see your self-reflection. Not thinking that you know how something is; but truly letting go (still water) of the thoughts, old reflections, past labels and, and strive to feel and see for the first time again without the thoughts (or running water).
The past….. seven years ago, I was a new bride,and just moved cross-county to begin my dream. A dream of attending doctorate school, weekend bicycle rides in the Colorado Rocky Mountains, and beginning a wonderful marriage. However, life was more difficult than I expected; distracting me from why I was in Colorado for the first place. I wanted to be a college professor. Mostly.. so I could have a life that would allow me to make the money to live a comfortable life and have the time to raise a family without a complete stranger actually raising my one-day children….but I failed. It actually took one year of therapy to realize that practically being “encouraged” to not resume a second year of doctorate school; did not define me as a personal failure.
So now I am trying to remember this balance, but my mind is running to the past that is somehow triggering this unhealthy unbalanced dive. I realize what I am doing, moving away from the balance, and it is making me miserable. I have sunk back into the old habbits of Katelyn. In result I have dreadful back problems because I am obsessing about these tests, not wanting to fail again. This has resulted in me not being able to leave the computer nor take the time to even stretch or go to the bathroom. Some days I sit here for 10-12 hours writing, hunched backed, with this wrinkled look on my face. I feel guilty for taking time to write a BLOG, something I have come to love. I have also managed to lose my temper with my poor little grandma that is 2x bubblier than me on my bubbliest day ever. She actually hums and seems to float around the house, Grandma name is Cathy, but more like a chatty Cathy (now you know where I get it from). I have not practiced Spanish, I am not able to clear my mind and focus on one thing, I am task conquering, I sense a slight panic buzzing in my mind, nor have I laughed very much.
The past….. seven years ago, I was a new bride,and just moved cross-county to begin my dream. A dream of attending doctorate school, weekend bicycle rides in the Colorado Rocky Mountains, and beginning a wonderful marriage. However, life was more difficult than I expected; distracting me from why I was in Colorado for the first place. I wanted to be a college professor. Mostly.. so I could have a life that would allow me to make the money to live a comfortable life and have the time to raise a family without a complete stranger actually raising my one-day children….but I failed. It actually took one year of therapy to realize that practically being “encouraged” to not resume a second year of doctorate school; did not define me as a personal failure.
So now I am trying to remember this balance, but my mind is running to the past that is somehow triggering this unhealthy unbalanced dive. I realize what I am doing, moving away from the balance, and it is making me miserable. I have sunk back into the old habbits of Katelyn. In result I have dreadful back problems because I am obsessing about these tests, not wanting to fail again. This has resulted in me not being able to leave the computer nor take the time to even stretch or go to the bathroom. Some days I sit here for 10-12 hours writing, hunched backed, with this wrinkled look on my face. I feel guilty for taking time to write a BLOG, something I have come to love. I have also managed to lose my temper with my poor little grandma that is 2x bubblier than me on my bubbliest day ever. She actually hums and seems to float around the house, Grandma name is Cathy, but more like a chatty Cathy (now you know where I get it from). I have not practiced Spanish, I am not able to clear my mind and focus on one thing, I am task conquering, I sense a slight panic buzzing in my mind, nor have I laughed very much.
So as I write this- I remember a few special days recently where the panic subsided..free of all anxiety and fear…
A Nashville Urban Cycling Scavenger Hunt-and being silly as we searched fro 30 location around my city
A Nashville Urban Cycling Scavenger Hunt-and being silly as we searched fro 30 location around my city
Having nothing better to do in Rural Tennessee than play on tractors with my best gal Sarah
Finding Little people while mountain biking with my best buddy Mark
and Now I am having the most amazing view as I look up from taking my examinations..
I am a guest at my friend Van's riveside cabin in Blue Ridge Georgia where I write, ride, and remember still water as I am reminded by the sounds of the running river.
My anxiety is subsiding becuase now I remember the new katelyn..
